Day Twenty Three - Hineni

It rained last night and the world seemed very different this morning. The light that much more oblique and everything ever grayer. There is beauty in that, I know, but it's not easy to see sometimes. Add to this my traditional humbug about now (during the December "teens") - the sense that something is just not right with all the holiday hubbub (sp?), and yet I cannot escape participation. By this afternoon, I'd spiraled into a thousand pieces, all going in different directions, and nothing getting done. Wanting collaboration and support, with little in sight. (Is is just that I can't see it?...)

Late afternoon necessity got me outside walking with Theo (our dog). I thought to try to listen to an NVC call on my iPod, but couldn't find the file. In frustration, I just grabbed it anyway. And headed out listening to Holy Ma, a moody chant by Shantala. I dove deeper into my state. Grrr, don't want to feel this way. Then Sri Ram Jai Ram came on and the beauty of that, just these simple names of the Divine, began to put the pieces together, at least for awhile. The dance of the One and the Many, Concealment and Revelation stirring in my heart. My energy came up a bit, and I by the time we were passing by St. Isadore's Catholic Church, I was singing along - probably off key as I had earphones in. But who cares? Very few people were around anyway on this not quite a holiday, but everything's different (is everyone at the Mall?) afternoon.

Was listening to Hineni by the time I got home. This is a beautiful and new one (to me). Didn't sound like Sanskrit....? Decided to look it up.

Turns out if I were Jewish I'd probably already know that Hineni is Hebrew and means "I am here." And so much more. I understand it to mean presence, readiness, willingness. I love this description:

"Hineni -Presence
Your full attention, in present time, to whom you are with, and to what you are doing, thus enabling you to answer the call of the moment.  Distracting thoughts of the past and future are momentarily lost in the strength and clarity of the light before you." (see http://www.ashrei.com/hineni.htm)

This is my practice! This is the way I understand empathy in NVC. Not that I'm always there, but knowing I can.

I had no idea there is such a word, and discovering it today was like a finding a sparkling jeweI on a bleak afternoon.

I am here. What a gift.