Day Five - reclaiming/recovering the unseen

So, last night, I was feeling a little flat - and worried. Pressuring myself to have something pithy to say each and every day. And luckily, last night was NVC call night, so I got to talk with my dear friend and "empathy" buddy Jo. We do this once a week, rather no matter what, to check in and be with what is alive in ourselves and each other. By diving more deeply into the "flatness" - the "non-ecstacy" - I found this place of connection with the deeper, still waters of what Is, and decided to surrender. What a relief. I decided that if I had nothing to say, then I wouldn't. Until I did. And then I would.

Today has been a very peaceful day. In yoga class, when we chanted aum, there was something very resonant about it. Full and alive.

And I remember that surrender is often like that. Falling more deeply into what Is - opens it up. Unless I am using surrender as a strategy to force something to open up. But then, that's not truly surrrender, is it? It's more like faux surrender - a toxic mimic.

I learned some of this from someone I didn't thank the other day - Caroline Casey. She is an astrologer and host of the Visionary Activist Show (KPFA 94.1 FM - Thurs. 2 pm). I just love to explore the trails she blazes. Today she and her guest talked about how plants with the medicine you need will begin to grow near your home (ex. Japanese knot weed, an excellent medicine for Lyme disease, is moving along the East Coast - and preceding the appearance of the disease by six months.) There is more going on here than meets the untrained eye, but we can see it if we so desire, and learn how. What is growing in my front yard? Oddly, a liquid amber tree was just removed, and the crimson sage whacked all to heck - wonder what that might mean?

This is the kind of question I want to be asking. To pay attention like that.

Caroline also described how a visible river always has an invisible river associated with it - 500 ft below and beyond what we see on the surface. And that the health of the visible river depends on the health of the invisible river.

That is How Things Work.

There is so much unseen, that may be seen if we know how to look.

And for me, during these 27 days I'm feeling into that invisible river. And looking with the unworn sides of my eyes....

Day Four - space and all that stuff

In this body are seers and sages, all the stars and planets as well. There are sacred pilgrimages, shrines, and presiding deities of the shrines. The sun and the moon also move in it. Ether, air, fire, water, and earth are also there. All the beings that exist are also to be found in the body. He who knows all this is a yogi.

Shiva Samhita

I stopped by the Thrift Station today, to drop off some donations -- and look for some little treasure.... I love going to the thrift store. I live in a materially affluent community and a decent part of my wardrobe comes from what other people give away. And while I don't see myself as a big consumer, a couple times a year, I have a couple bags of clothes to give away myself. Where does that stuff come from? It's embarrassing. And yet I was ready to shop there today, after making my altruistic "donation."

When I arrived at the back door, bags in hand, the "thrift store lady" told me, "Sorry, we're not taking anymore clothes today." I stared at her in disbelief. My inner BS began, self righteousness: "Wow, I'm trying to make a donation here...." and frustration: "OK - is there a dumpster? I just want to get rid if this stuff...." I stood there, still silent. She said, "I'm sorry, it's just that we're so full back in and need to sort through all these [massive piles of clothes] first, or someone's going to trip over it and get hurt." And then I could really see why I was really there - to make space in my life. I wanted space - and so did the thrift store lady!

I left with bags in hand, head hanging low. There's just too much damn stuff getting in the way. For too many of us. In the way of knowing All That Is.
A bad case of affluenza.

So, my practice today was about noticing and appreciating space, allowing myself to long for it. Accepting that I would not be rid of my "stuff" so easily, so unconsciously. And not buying anything "new" at the Thrift Station.

Day Three - No epiphanies and confusion

I guess it's understandable that some days are just, well, regular. No epiphanies today. Went to yoga class. Interesting that Kristi was not there - we had Alan instead. So after all that heartfelt teacher-thanking yesterday, I was offered an opportunity to learn from someone different. I found myself smiling alot. Not entirely sure why. I was just feeling amused. And present. I remembered to dedicate my practice to connection with what is alive in me. And I thought about how I really "ought" to be more connected with what is alive in others. And remembered that thinking is not necessarily practicing. And that so much of my experience as a human is below words. So I felt into that.

Also wondered about whether it "counts" if I'm not doing the exact same practice every day during these 27 days. Is it enough to commit to noticing what is alive in me, and others? There are so many ways that shows up. Wondered about whether I'm confused about what to do - and remembered what Kelly Bryson says about confusion - you can offer empathy for the confusion by saying (to yourself or someone else) "So, a part of you is feeling confused...." That allows the other parts to soar up and get a bird's eye view of the situation. One thing I noticed is I felt really steady in tree pose in class this evening, and it occurred to me that this is the same steadiness I feel when I'm guiding 37 seventh graders through a Spanish lesson. I knew then for sure that my yoga asana practice does have an impact in other parts of my life. And when I think about it, I know it's all one. So in the classroom and on the yoga mat are the exact same practice? In a sense.

I guess that counts as an "epiphanito."

Day Two - cultivating joy and gratitude

School resumed today after a week off for Thanksgiving break. I woke up feeling off, with a headache (sinus? the shot of Jack Daniels I put in my sipping chocolate last night?...) Yet I really wanted to get myself together (and I did) because - dare I say it?- I like to go to work.

One of the things I really love about my job teaching middle school Spanish is that, although it's my primary source of income, it doesn't stand out as this thing I have to do, before I can get to the good stuff. I hesitate to admit this, but it seems to me that it's all good stuff. Even the hard parts. I resist saying so, because it sounds so, well, Pollyanna. Immersed as a child in the vapors of the good old fashioned New England work ethic, I assumed that work would equal suffering. No more. (Thanks, Dad, for bringing us to California ;) I still glance around every now and then and marvel at how much fun I'm having.

I didn't used to have so much fun teaching. When I saw myself in the role of "teacher" as the authority, boy did I feel alot of pressure to get it right. All the time. And to be in charge. So I could cram all that info down people's throats. I've heard teachers of mine say they would like to apologize to their students for the early days, and I think I've come to know what they mean. Geez, all that martyred sort of perfectionistic effort - so pinched and disconnected.

These days I try not do anything that I don't feel joy about doing. Really. And for those things that seem like "have to's" - well I take a deeper look and remember why I'm doing it - what needs of mine am I meeting? In the case of my school teaching job, those needs are challenge, contribution, connection, competence, learning, food/shelter, even order (I like routine). Then they magically become "get to's." (I love magic....)

One "have-to" I have not yet mastered is taking our dog Theo out to pee at night before bed. It's especially tough if I've drifted off to sleep on the couch. Let's see...taking him ourside meets my need for caring about Theo, and fairness (it's my job only two nights a week), and when I think of all my needs that are met by him - affection, loyalty, companionship, safety, play. Yeah, it is a joy to have him in my life, and knowing that does make it a little easier to "get to" take him out on these cold nights. Not magic, though - yet.

These things I've learned from my teachers/guides. Through yoga (asana, meditation, chant, breath practice), NVC, tarot, astrology, metaphysics, and magic, one of the big big things that I have learned/remembered from my teachers/guides is this: I am the teacher/knower. Connection within leads to connection without. The teacher is out "there," yes - and we are ONE. What all of these people have done is is to support me in remembering that.

When I contemplate this I feel such deep gratitude. And motivation for when I am graced to be in the seat of the teacher, that I may always do nothing more than offer this kind of support to others.

So, today my practice is to thank my teachers. All these people have shown up in a big way, many time and again ( and to this day), with something to really light a spark in me and show me how to connect more deeply with life: Lauren Davis, Ulrika Engman, John Friend, Abby Tucker, Sianna Sherman, Jim Bernhart, Paul Muller-Ortega, Carlos Pomeda, Chris Wallis, Douglas Brooks, Dave Stringer, Maja Bengston, Marshall Rosenberg, Paul Bogle, Alexandra Robin, Elana O'Loskey, Ramses (sorry, Rams - I know you would not call yourself a "teacher"...). And so many friends and allies, my "students" chief among them.

And tonight, I'll meditate on the mantra Om namah shivaya gurave - greetings to the teacher within and without.

Day One - On Jackals and Altared States (or the state of my altar...)

Day One practice was straightforward, as I often go to yoga class on Sunday these days. It was interesting becuase our teacher commented on two things - first that akasha in Sanskrit means space, and that there are different finds of akasha, which resonated for me re. what I was exploring yesterday about zero. And today's theme was about karma yoga - or yoga of action. Like this 27 day practice that I'm walking through. So it was pretty easy to remember to dedicate my practice today.

The connection itself has not been so easy as (1) my body felt heavy and sore and (2) my jackals were "up" about really doing this 27 day practice and especially about starting a blog about it. Their core message seemed to be "you don't know what you're doing, and no one really cares anyway." Isn't that fun? And so I am reminded that connection is not all roses and sunshine, blessings and light, angels and new age music (as much as I love that stuff...) Sometimes we just have to bow down to all of it...

These jackals, as I lovingly refer to them using the term from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), are saying something important - that I can listen to, and -yes- deepen my connection. I think they want to protect me from harm. They want me to minimize any risk of delusion ("don't think you know something!" and also exposure to criticism ("and don't tell anyone even if you do!").

Now, I can appreciate their loving concern ;) The issue I have with their "suggestions" is that the level of detachment and emotional safety that they would like me to have would keep me from being authentic, having fun, exploring what life is all about, as well as sharing all of this in community, plus receiving support, appreciation, and plain old being seen and heard. A bargain I'm no longer willing to make.

Besides, as Marshall Rosenberg (founder of NVC) points out, I will be a whole lot happier if I never again let anyone tell me who I am. Or something like that.

So I thank my jackals, for reminding me to keep an eye out for any mindf*&$ I might create or be exposed to, and also to remember who I am. You can relax, now, guys, I think I got the message, and no, I won't be abandoning this intriguing super fun why not 27 day practice.

Oh and as for the heavy sore body, I think I'm just still adjusting to being in it. I thought about doing no physical activity today, but my instinct was that would not have helped. Instead, I've been gentle with myself both in yoga class, and also on a lovely hike with friends. I am opening up to feeling my energy and I want to move with it.

Karma yoga - take the action and do so consciously. Stopping, leaving, hiding...some of my (increasing formerly) favorite strategies...none of these are as effective.

And so on to my altar. The altar is this physical place where I can place physical things/symbols - and it is an energy place, too, depending on my level of consciousness about what I'm doing. To create an altar, I must decide what matters and make space for it. It's another practice that helps me be clear.

My altar had become a bit cluttered (can anyone say "me-ta-phor"...?) And, I had not cleared it yesterday as planned, so I did it this afternoon. Took everything off. Decided what I wanted there. The Nataraj, a peacock feather, my tarot cards, the oghams my daughter made for me, the Radhe bead necklace, a stone that says "Joy" it. And the one that says "Peace" - where is that one? Couldn't find it. Can't find Peace - good one... I'm just smiling about that, amused. It will come, I trust. OK , and underneath, the Irish ceramic pig from my paternal grandparents, oh - and that bracelet my maternal great aunt gave me - gifts from my ancestors.

Finding these things, and putting away others, took an hour or two. I combed through all my "special" stuff, happy it is Sunday, and so to have a little time.

And now as the sun is setting on this misty November day, I feel a little less heavy, a lot less sore, and much more clear.

Day Zero

Day Zero. Preparing for this 27 day journey to Winter Solstice.

Zero is a topic in itself, a blog of its own, a universe - the universe. Zero is space between - between beginnings and endings, between breaths, outside of time. And this space is full, or so I hear. One of those things that I think, if I actually "got" it, I would be enlightened. Or more accurately, remember that I already am.

Just getting started here...and already I'm outside of time and space as I have known it.

Today is Day Zero, and the moon is full. Perfect. Purna, in Sanskrit, means both full and perfect. Just like zero. This moon today was full at 6:30 am PST, 1 degree 55 minutes Gemini. The Sabian symbol for this degree is: A quick wind is making sport with the sea. Through sharp mist as far as sight reaches are scurrying whitecaps. The sun at the same time was at 1 degree 55 minutes Sagittarius. The Sabian symbol for this degree is: A nervous gentleman dressed in an elaborate Santa Claus costume is filling Christmas stockings furtively. How to put these symbols together - to describe this particular full moon? A quick wind is blowing, and seas are choppy - time is short - what is most important to give?

Not every full moon this time of year carries this symbolism. But this time of year is always about Sagittarius, the sign of the archer. The archer draws back the bowstring now. This is time for cultivating intention. The arrow will fly on Winter Solstice, when the sun moves into Capricorn on 21 December - at 10:08 pm PST. Cardinal Earth. Manifestation. And the strength with which that arrow flies is proportional to the depth of the drawing back.

The next 27 days are an opportunity to draw in deeply.

Where do I aim? I've been thinking about and playing with this for weeks now. And today - Day Zero - under this auspicious full moon, I am perfecting my choice. To what do I dedicate this time? How will I gather myself in this quick wind?

I know it is about living from the inside out. Knowing I am whole ~ one with the Divine ~ and aligning with that. Knowing that forgetting this is also an act of the Divine. The dance of concealment and revelation. Remembering (when I can), that this being human is an opportunity, that these physical, emotional, and energy bodies are gifts.

For over 15 years, my conscious practice has been about connecting to the Divine. From "lower" chakras to "upper." A beautiful thing. And progress to be doing so consciously, as the first 30 years of my life I had been unconsciously fleeing to the relative safety of these upper realms. I clung to my upper chakras, knees drawn into my chest, eyes closed, face pressed away from the world below, sometimes in despair sometimes in disdain. So, waking up "up there" was a relief. Fun, actually. Even interacting with the disembodied Spirits I encountered there wasn't nearly as scary as having my feet on the Earth.

And slowly, as I awaken, I am beginning to reach down here and there, stretch a toe toward the Great Mother, breathe more deeply into my belly, become more willing to feel what is beyond/below words, and burrow in to the living energy of what it is to be human. And what do I find there? The Divine :)

And so - connecting above and below, below and above. Around and around - a never ending circuit of energy, the Nataraja's spiral dance of creation. The aurobouros.

The zero.

And from here, anything is possible. Peace on Earth. For all. That is what I would most want to devote myself to.

So, to bring this back to (ahem) time and space. What is my intention for the next 27 days? Toward what do I aim my bow? Remembering ("re-member-ing") myself to wholeness. And when I do, to connect with the wholeness in others. And when I don't, to cultivate willingness. For the sake of us all. For the strength and wisdom to take action in alignment with Joy and Peace.

How will I do this? With what strength will I draw back the bowstring? Through practice done with intention. At least one every day: asana, meditation, conscious breathing, chanting, singing, drawing.... For me specifically, I plan to practice with awareness of aligning the energy centers of my body - the three main energetic focal points (core of the pelvis, heart, and upper palate) , and also the seven primary chakras, with specially attention to connecting the lower and upper chakras at the heart. In my case, this especially involves exploring and occupying my lower chakras more consciously. Today, I'll clear and reset my altar to prepare.

This is where I plan to begin the journey. I open to Grace, watching, listening, and hoping for surprises and revelation along the way.